Waxing
Author Unknown

The things we women will try! CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud… I laughed till I almost cried as I could just see this happening! While this isn’t a “sex joke”, it’s a good story about what women do to “look sexy” … enjoy!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal – The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now… the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: “Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.” So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those “cold wax” kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (“Cold wax,” yeah… right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself…. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!… OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip.

CRAP!!!

Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out… must stay conscious.. Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe… OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There’s no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake… remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DANG!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself “Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!” What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub… in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and have some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter.

“So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!”

There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, “Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?”

She’s laughing out loud by now… I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else’s night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, my dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counselling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace…. the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care. “IT WORKS!! It works!!”

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair…. THE HAIR IS STILL THERE… ALL OF IT!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try hair colour……

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From her production studio Femme feminist film maker Candida Royalle has made a huge impact on the adult industry by directing and writing porn films for women.

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In Eyes of Desire a beautiful photographer retreats to her friend’s hillside home to rethink her relationship and career. The quiet gives rise to an unspoken longing for something she cannot define- a sensual awakening that is fueled by the discovery of her friend’s high powered telescope. Through this new lense of desire, she’s drawn into a dangerous game of mystery and lust when she discovers that she is being watched by a mysterious stranger from a nearby abandoned estate.

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Dear Wife:

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good.

I’ve been a good man to you for seven years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today & that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You came home & ate in two minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t want sex anymore or anything. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore…. whatever the case is, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving to West Va., together!

Have a great life alone!

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My Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It’s true that you & I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn’t work.

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a girl!” but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say anything nice..

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER , because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50. from me that morning & your silk boxers were $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us two tickets to Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me So take care.

Signed: Rich As Hell, Free & Alone for the MOMENT!!!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

I am so proud of myself… I actually bought cards, remembered to buy stamps and got the holiday cards to the post office prior to Dec. 24th! Now I just have to tackle the gift shopping. sigh.

I have no clue what anyone wants, and I’m really tempted to just pick up a bunch of those preloaded visa cards and let ‘em all go get whatever they REALLY want. It seems somewhat impersonal, and being one who used to love to start my shopping the day after xmas for the following year, it’s hard to just do the sensible thing. But, poor health limits my desire to be out there in the crowds, standing in long lines and getting something they MIGHT appreciate.

Besides, I get double points for gift card purchases towards fuel discounts…. now that makes it even easier to decide! LOL

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A Canadian doctor, a certain J. S. Greenstein, published a paper on a wholly fictitious contraceptive which he called “Armpitin,” for which he sketched the chemical formula, including several molecular groups represented by the initials NO.

“Armpitin,” he explained, was found to affect males by way of the olfactory nerve, and rendered them sterile for a number of days equivalent to the number of NO Groups in the formula.

The paper was seriously reviewed in an annual review of pharmacology, and Dr. Greenstein received requests from pharmaceutical companies to sell them the patent.

I’m only guessing that by stating it affected the olfactory nerve instead of their hearing is how the hoax got as far as it did. NO NO NO NO NO … 5 nights of contraceptive use in practice!!!! LOL

Wow, sorry I haven’t updated in awhile, but I got knocked flat for nearly 3 weeks with a nasty bout of the flu. Hope you all are fairing much better!

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